I’m currently watching a Youtube video as I’m writing this. You may have heard of this YouTuber. Keira Rose. Highly recommend her. I’m currently watching a video about her mental health. Since the start of the video, it’s crazy how much my mental health issues are similar to hers. She talks about her anxiety stopping her from going outside, taking phone calls, always thinking the worst. Sitting here watching the video I feel like I am currently in the exact situation that she was in.
I think the reason this touches on my emotions so much is that it’s so very similar to my current circumstances. I’ve helped myself in the past by going out more, going to the shops every day to start with really helped. However, I have found I’ve slipped back into old ways since moving house. One of the issues I’m facing at the minute is that the shops aren’t very close anymore.
We have one shop around the corner from us and it’s co-op. Yes, I can still nip every day and I know it probably sounds like I’m making excuses but currently co-op as a shop is annoying me due to their lack of options there for vegans. When I used to nip to the shops I would enjoy going to a full range of them which I can’t do easily anymore. I’ve hit a tree stump and seem to have my wheels wedged, I’m trying to dig them out but I’m using the wrong tools. That’s how I feel right now. Also, public transport is a big no no for me. Again, it probably just sounds like excuses but this is what I’m facing with every thought at the minute.
In a couple of weeks I’m going back to the doctors and by that time I’m supposed to be telling him whether I want to go on anti depressants or not. Honestly, right this minute I have no idea what to do. I go to therapy every 6 weeks and it helps but I feel like I’m struggling to find ways to help myself more.
Recently I’ve been getting into bullet journaling and blogging more which certainly helps. I’m still continuing with my writing. I keep telling myself I NEED to do my painting and do some reading more. The word ‘need’ I should be avoiding, negative thinking VS positive. This is the biggest issue for me and allowing my anxiety to win. I can be happy as Larry but still speak negatively because I have 25 years of habit to try and fix.
Things are a little difficult and tense for me at the minute. I try to seek help but still feel like it’s not enough. Despite the times I try and help myself I don’t feel any different. Even with my exercising and vegan diet over the past months. Sure I can help myself. Positive thinking. Diet. Exercise. Meditation. Meds. Etc. Etc. It all helps generally but then I will have one single bad day as I did a couple of nights ago and I just seem to be thrown back to square one.
But, if Keira Rose, someone down the street or a complete stranger can do it then I must be able to right? That’s the occurring thought that my mind is pushing out right now. I don’t feel like I can.
Anyone going through anything like this just know that you’re not alone in your problems. People should be talking about it more and talking to each other. One of the best things you can do is to talk to someone about it. It’s a start.